Haiti on my mind

Days after the earthquake in Haiti, just now it is hitting me.  I have avoiding soaking it in.  Minimizing the time I watch or read the news.  Being a therapist, hearing about pain on a daily basis, the last thing I want to hear about is more sadness.  To see pain on a nationwide scale is unfathomable.  Pure shock.  I recently have explored the idea of going to Haiti (before deciding on Jamaica).  I had read a recent article in the Conde Nast Travel Magazine proclaiming it's praises.  Wyclef Jean quoted as saying Haiti's "future is bright." And it will be, with time, and healing from the world watching.

 I see the rescues on television, witnessing the gratitude of being saved.  Their faith in God and their culture is sung in makeshift homes, churches, or anywhere that can be heard.   I know looting, theft, and violence has also been looming.  Yet it is the strength that needs to remain prevalent in my memories of these moments.  A patient once told me he was able to get past the death of a friend through knowing that the pain in loss brought changes in himself and those around them.  Sadly grief unites us.  And the world needs to collectively heal.

I got sucked into watching the telethon for Haiti.  Impressed by the celebrities and musicians who offered their time.  I notice generally the same familiar faces frame the screen.  Momentarily their narcissism diminishes to be a vehicle for the message to remind it is our human duty to give.

Money, prayers, discussion, volunteer work, blogs, posts.  All payments accepted.

wed Jan 20th: flu season

My cold has hit it's pinnacle.  Sore throat, which has spread to my co-workers.  My lack of sick days has caused itchy throats and evil eyes in others.  Warm tea.  Mucous out. I have yet to be sick this past year in California, of course it coincides with the one week it rains.  The rain feeds the grass to grow.  My body is yearning for rest, and my cold will ensure it happens somehow. I go to work, and dream to sleep.

MLK=Decision Day

With much trepidation, I gave up an enticing job offer.  A possible return to Hawaii, making slightly more money than I am now.  Yet, why no?  My gut growled no, it was not the right time. Although I have been looking for jobs for 6 straight months, this was the first yes.  I want to move, I want to switch jobs, but am I just addicted to change?  I can't keep an adult job for more than a year.  I think the thought of making a drastic change in 2 months scared me. 6 months more maybe. Now I am living in regret.

Sat The Healer in Me

Today I gathered the peace instilled in me and projected it towards others around me.  They needed healing and I realized this was the reason I came to Houston.  I tried to unite Anthony and his family towards helping his mother in her potential final days. She also asked for my help.   After the cleanse, completed several days prior, my body was giving out.  I grasped onto the last piece of energy I had and pushed it out towards them, even if only momentarily.

Fri Jan 15: Love Aflame

The excitement of seeing my fiance after two months of separation. The love, passion, and joy of simply being reunited.  I tend to forget the simple things I missed about him...the cuddling, laughter, inside jokes, kisses, and quick glances we make each other.  As the saying goes, distance can strengthen the relationship.  We talked, bared our souls, and played fun creative quiz games about each other.  Tonight we decided we could move to Hawaii with nothing but ourselves (although the next day it changed with Anthony seeing what an average Hawaiian apt. entails)

Thurs Jan 14: LA reunited

Delayed again, but the essence of the day was captured here.  Upon leaving for a trip to Houston, I met up with some old friends at Literati (a cutesy Brentwood cafe).  I could officially ate, but stuck to my soy latte.  Although this trip to Houston would be emotionally draining, meeting with old friends ignited my spirits.  Although it had been at least four years that all of us sat next to each other, the jokes remained the same.  Man voices, sexual innuendos, and simply quoting ourselves brought pure enjoyment. The silliness of women...straight, lesbian, and bi.  Pure comedy.

Jan 10: Mind over body

If yesterday just the thought of fattening food caused me to gain weight, today I am focused on being healthy and fit. These are the images that will fill my head.  It's 740 am, and in addition to the regular chores of the day, I will also take my dogs to the beach and swim at the gym.  I am focused on achieving my goals.  It is day 7 of the cleanse. 3 days left.  Although it is a struggle, I definitely recommend it.  It is a metaphor of all the goals you are able to achieve.  Every time I speak to someone about the cleanse, the first words out of their mouths are "I couldn't do that."  I thought the same things before.  Even while I am on the cleanse, I think never again.  But surprisingly this is my 5th cleanse in 4 years.  You can do it. The power of the mind!

Jan 9th: Temptations

I was doing so good. Sixth day of the cleanse, weekend. Lost 7 pounds. Went to yoga, I left and smelled Santa Maria BBQ, the temptations.  I thought I could maybe cheat and have some leftover soup. Had one spoon, and poured the rest down the drain. Not worth it. Although my only way to get through the cleanse now is to have Nips candy to suck on, especially during the salt water flush. But I do pop some sporadically throughout the day. I am told that 6-12 glasses of the drink should be taken in per day. That's always too much for me. But today was my lowest...1.  So how is it I gained a pound since this morning? I thought fat thoughts!  BBQ was on my mind. Tomorrow will only consist of model thinness. The power of thinking

Jan 8th: Delayed contentment

Delayed start. Full force today. 3 collages in one day do-able? What I was feeling yesterday was inspired. I had lost 6 pounds in five days.  If I could do this I could do anything.  A job (that requires me to still be 13 pounds lighter), which I have been putting off for months is re-appearing in the picture.  I feel inspired that I can do this cleanse, I can do anything. 50% of the cleanse done!

Jan 6: Master day 3

Master Cleanse day 3...better. Some pangs of hunger, which i drank down with my lemonade concoction. I can feel my pajama pants loosening, which validates this fast. One week from today and I will be done. Do-able right?  Once I get to day five, it's downhill from there.  The background of Mele Kalikimaka rings true, Hawaii sometimes calls out to me some days more than other.  I heard once that Hawaii will either embrace you or hate you. Hawaii is calling, will I answer?

Jan 5: Delayed Blah

I am writing this a day late Jan 6 for Jan 5. Blah. 2nd day of the master cleanse: no energy, headaches, eye aches. Went to bed early at 7:30, woke up at 5:15 today and still tired. Drained. Hopefully it will get better from here 20% done, 80% to go.

Jan 4: Master Cleanse Day 1

The first Monday of 2010, dreaded as most Mondays are.  Why not add more excruciating pain to the day by starting the Master Cleanse?  This is actually my fifth time doing the master cleanse. I have planned it perfectly.  Holiday parties are over.  My chef fiance is still out of town, therefore no delicious temptations to fill my home.  And of course, it is the beginning of the year, when resolutions are still fresh.

 I decided to proclaim my fast to my co-workers today, who also have been known to tempt me to exciting out of office lunches.  Making a goal known reportedly creates accountability.  The minimum recommended time on the cleanse is 10 days, with a maximum being 40 days.  I am shooting for at least 10, and this time i know I can do it.  8 pm on day 1 not as bad, but why did I gain two pounds from this morning? Let's hope we see different results in the remaining nine days.

Jan 3:High School Dreams

I had a dream last night of a high school/early twenties crush: Steve Weisbrod.  (Of course all crushes must include an entire name: Jordan Catalano from MSCL or Ben Covington from Felicity).   He was a senior during my sophomore year and looked like a baby faced Leo.   My friends and I idolized that whole class of '95 as celebrities.   In some ways they still are compartmentalized as a representation of adolescent Greek gods.  In the dream, Steve clearly delineated our lines between hooking up and relationships.  We would could fit into the former, but not the latter.  He was speaking to me in infantile terms, as if I could not comprehend or see signs.  In reality, the sophomoric crush transformed one night  around the age of 22.  It was then that I was clueless, did not take hints.

This morning, I awoke at 530 am, so why am I now dreaming of Steve years later?

I could not help but laugh when I realized the reason why the dream appeared last night.  I watched the hilarious All About Steve earlier that day.  Sandra Bullock played a 30 something eccentric clueless female stalker obsessed with a guy named Steve that she had a brief blind date with.  Bradley Cooper was Steve.  (Aren't guys named Brad always movie heartthrobs? Teen Witch.) A blondie, like my Steve, who had to repeatedly clarify his disinterest in Sandra, because she would not take a hint.  

I love how our unconscious can play with our memories from years ago and parallel them into our daily lives, even if only from movie titles and themes.  I know my days of being a sophomore were over 15 years ago.  Yet instantly our dreams can take us back into those awkward hormone driven teenage bodies.  Those '95 seniors will continue to reappear in my dreams as representations of my untouchable muses.  Hopefully now I have learned to take hints.

Jan 2

I am proud of myself day 3 of my collaged blog and going strong.  It is not even 7 am on a Saturday morning and this task is first on my list.  This may be longer than any other blog I have attempted to complete.  I need to ensure I stick with it, as we do for all our New Years resolutions.  I look back at this past year and wonder was it so bad? I have all these resolutions for 2010, what happened in 2009? I realized with my move from New York back to Cali, I ironically became gluttonous.  I began eating fast food and really not living up to my entrenched pescatarian ways.  I bought a car (although a prius), but walked less.  My dogs even walked less, because they now have a backyard they can lazily lay on.  I made loads of money, but my goal of paying off bills became true.  I always had bills to pay off.  The past three weeks I have been prepping on how to live my life, by listening to Tony Robbins to/from work.  New Years eve spent alone reflecting.  New Years Day cleaning out my closet.  Today will continue my winter cleaning, but a jump back into the world with a yoga class and some other items to check off the list.

New Years Resolutions

It is noon, the sky is dreary.  No sun shines, but yet no drops of rain fall.  Today is better than last night.  I ask myself how I want to spend my first day of the year, again a metaphor for the rest of the 364 days.   My great-grandmother (Lola) would always warn us to not buy anything on  new years day.   If we did so we were doomed to be broke and struggling the rest of the year.   Therefore, my day's activities would not touch any of my finances. I have so far spent the day ensuring that I maintain my goals... completing my collage post, cleaning out my closet, doing a thirty minute crosstrain work out, and cooking a healthy meal.  I did this all with the background of the most recent biggest loser marathon playing in the background.   I have all these goals, but how can I ensure I stay motivated.  One day at a time, starting with today.  Clean out to let in.  I hear a master cleanse coming